Morshed Being a programmer, software developer, software engineer, or computer techie does not mean you should subject yourself to 24 hours of work. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” goes the popular saying.
You can take a break from your coding or programming troubles and add some spice to your daily routine. A few software jokes can be all you need to give yourself a perfect day.
Whether web developers, software engineers, windows programmers, and lots more, you all can take a break from your work and put a smile on your face with some humorous jokes about coding, languages, and programmers.
You can make out time to read one or two developer jokes per day to give your chin muscles some work to do. You do not need to go through thick and thin to get humorous software quotes to make your day, as we have them listed here for you.
The life of most software developers or engineers can be very boring and frustrating. It does not have to be like that!
These developer jokes are not only for programmers as they relate to regular daily activities that programmers go through. Let’s check out funny developer jokes that will make your day.
1. The Programmer and the Committee
A computer programmer finds himself in the presence of a committee that gets to decide whether he goes to heaven or hell. But the committee tells the young programmer that he has a say in the decision. So, the committee asked if he would see heaven and hell to decide which one he would prefer.
Sure, the programmer readily obliges to this decision. He says, “I have quite a good idea what heaven looks like; I would like to have a look at hell. So, an angel took the young programmer to a sunny beach full of pretty ladies listening to music and having a nice time.
‘Wow!’ he exclaims. Without a second thought, he said, “hell looks amazing! I’ll take hell!” At that moment, the programmer finds himself in red-hot magma with several demons hauling and tearing at his flesh. With surprise and horror, he asked the angel, “where’s the beach? Where are the ladies? the music?”. Then the angel replied, “that was the demo.”
2. The Programming Language
This joke deals with a programmer’s understanding and use of programming language.
I decided to go out for a trip to cool myself off. I went to a street where the houses had a different but unique numbering system. The houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k, and 512k. And it turned out to be a trip down memory lane.
3. The Software Engineer, Hardware Engineer, and Departmental Manager
A departmental manager, software engineer, and hardware engineer were driving down a steep mountain road when the car’s braking system suddenly failed. Yes! The brakes of their car failed. The car careened down the road, bounced off the crash barriers, and got ground to a stop scraping along the mountainside.
The three occupants were stuck halfway down a steep mountain in a car with no brakes. What would they do? They started coming up with new ideas to help them out of their present situations. Each of them gave their opinion, starting from the departmental manager.
“I know,” he said. “Let’s conduct a meeting, propose a vision, and put together a mission statement. We should define our goals, and by the process of continuous improvement find a solution to the critical problems, and off we go.”
“No, no!” said the hardware manager disagreeing with the departmental manager’s opinion. “That will take ages; besides, that method has never worked before. In the least time, I can bring down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, and fix it. Then, we can be on our way.
‘Wait,’ said the software engineer. “Just before we do anything, I think we should push the vehicle back up the road and observe if it happens again.”
4. The User Interface
The user interface is like the funniest jokes. If you have to explain it, then it’s not that good.
5. Loaves of Bread
A programmer’s wife once asked her husband, “would you please go to the shop to pick up a loaf of bread? And if they have eggs, get a dozen.” Moments later, the programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread. “They had eggs,” he said.
6. The Programmer with the Cigarette
A man sits down on bench smoking cigarettes and blowing smoke rings into the air. He was having a nice time until his girlfriend walked up to him and rebuked him for his doings. Out of irritation, she said, “can’t you see the warning on the pack of cigarettes? Smoking is hazardous to the health!”
To this, the man replied, “I am a programmer. We do not worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
7. The Programmer and the Genie
A programmer finds himself walking along a beach where he finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and out comes a genie. “I am the mightiest genie in the world. I can grant your wish, but you only get to make only one wish.”
The programmer brings out a map and points to it, saying, “I would want peace in the Middle East.” The genie responds, saying, “Gee, I do not know. Those people have been fighting for millennia. I can do anything, but this is quite beyond my limit.”
The programmer replied, “Well, I’m a programmer, and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all my users satisfied and content with my software and make them ask for sensible changes.” At this point, the genie responds, “Um, let me have a look at that map again.”
8. Programmers and a Light Bulb
How many programmers will it take to change a light bulb?
None, changing a light bulb is a hardware problem.
Related Posts: 100+ Cool & Funny Programmer Nicknames
9. Halloween and Christmas
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?
Christmas happens to fall on Dec 31, while Halloween falls on Oct 31. Programmers mix these two events up because Dec 25 equals Oct 31.
10. Java Conference
Java programmers were at a real-time java conference and were given an awkward question to answer. “You just boarded an airliner, and you discovered your team of programmers is responsible for the flight control software. How many of you would disembark immediately?”
There were numerous hands of Java programmers in the air. Amongst these hands, there sat a man motionless. When asked what he would do, the man replied he would be confident of staying aboard. With my team’s software, he said, the plane is unlikely to taxi as far as the runaway, let alone take off.
11. Who is the Better Programmer?
Jesus and Satan were caught up in an argument as to who is a better programmer. Their argument continued for a while until they decided to hold a contest in which God would be the judge. They set to prepare themselves before their computer and began the contest.
For several hours, they were furiously typing with lines of code streaming up their screen. This went on for hours as both parties were trying to prove their superiority. Just before the end of the competition, there struck a lightning bolt that took out the electricity. After a while, the power became restored, and God announced that the contest was over.
God asks Satan to show his work, but satan, already upset, cries out and says, “I’ve got nothing. I lost them all when the power went out.” Very well, responded God, “let’s see if Jesus is any better.”
Jesus then presses a key, and the screen comes alive in vivid display. The voices of an angelic choir came forth from the speakers. Satan became astonished. He stutters, “B-b-b-but how? I lost every, but Jesus’ program is still in place! How did he do it?
God chuckles and replies, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”
12. Cray Computer
Have you heard of the new Cray supercomputer? It is so fast it executes an infinite loop in six seconds.
13. The Programmer and the User
And God said it should not be good for the programmer to be all alone. So, he took a bone from the programmer and created a creature that would look up to the programmer, admire the programmer, and love the things he does. And God called this creature: The User.
14. SQL Query
An SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables, and asks, “can I join you?
15. Parent’s Occupation
A grade school teacher decided to ask his pupils what their parents did for a living. “Tim, let’s start with you. What does your mother do for a living?” she asked. Tim stood up and proudly answered, “My mom is a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?” She asked another pupil. Amy stood up shyly and scuffed her feet, saying, “My dad is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amy,” the teacher said. “What does your parent do, Billy?” Billy stood up proudly and announced loudly, “My dad plays piano in a whorehouse.” The teacher was astounded at Billy’s reply and decided to visit his parent.
At Billy’s house, she rang the bell while awaiting a response. Billy’s father answered the door, and she stated the reason for her visit while demanding an explanation to Billy’s answer in school earlier that day. “I’m actually a programmer,” said Billy’s dad. “I specialize in TCP/IP communication protocol on the UNIX systems. How can I explain something like this to a seven-year-old?”
16. Actors and Playwrights
All programmers are playwrights; all computers are lousy actors.
17. Constructing a Software
There are two ways you can construct a software design. One way is to make it simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. The second way is to make it complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The former method is far more difficult than the latter.
18. Two Strings in a Bar
Two strings walk into a bar, and they both sit down. The bartender asks, “so what will it be?”. The first string replies, “I think I should have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu.”
The second string immediately responded, “please excuse my friend; he isn’t null-terminated.”
19. The Good Choice
A computer science student is under a tree studying while another student pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asked, “where did you get that?”
The other student on the bike replies, “while I was studying outside, a pretty girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said to me, ‘you can have anything you want.”
The first student responded, “Good choice; her clothes would not have fit you anyway.”
20. The Code
When I wrote this code, only two people knew how it works; Me and God. Now, only God knows.
21. Traditional Software Engineering
There are three eternal problems in traditional software engineering;
1. Garbage collection.
2. Naming things.
3. Off-by-one-errors.
22. Programming Race
Programming today is a race in software engineering, where software engineers are striving to build bigger and more efficient idiot-proof programs. The universe is striving to produce bigger and more efficient idiots. So far, our universe is winning.
23. Software Developers
Software developers love to solve problems. If there are no problems available, they create their own problems.
24. An Optimist, a Pessimist, and a Programmer
An optimist will say, “the glass is half full.”
A pessimist will say, “the glass is half empty.”
A programmer will say, “the glass is twice as large as necessary.”
25. Three Kinds of Lie
There are three kinds of lies; Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
26. Spiders
Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
27. Jack, the COBOL Programmer
Jack, a COBOL programmer in the mid-late 1990s, was taken for granted and treated like a technological dinosaur by all the web developers and client/server programmers. He was finally getting some respect as he was becoming a private consultant specializing in the year 2000 conversions.
Jack is getting payback from several years of relentless and focused hard work. He started having anxiety about the upcoming event, and all he could think of was to avoid the year 2000 and everything that came with it. So, he decided to contact cryogenics.
Jack made a deal with the cryogenics to have him frozen till Mar 15, 2000. He wanted to wake up in the year 2000, after the new year, and after computer debacles when he would have nothing else to worry about than to move on with his life.
He was put in the cryogenic receptacle, where the technician set the revival date. He was given the necessary injections that slowed his heartbeat to the barest minimum. Jack was put to sleep.
The next thing Jack saw was a large and modern room full of tons of people. They were all shouting and screaming, “It’s a miracle,” “I can’t believe it,” and “He’s alive.” There were sophisticated cameras he had never seen and equipment that was shown in science fiction movies.
A spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack could not contain his excitement and enthusiasm. “Is it over?” he asked. “Is the year 2000 here already? Are the millennial promotions, crises, and parties all over and done with? With lots of questions running through his mind, he needed answers to them as much as he asked.
The spokesman finally spoke, giving answers to the questions asked by the curious COBOL programmer, Jack. He told Jack there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack’s receptacle. The cryogenic receptacle had not been the year 2000 compliant.
It was actually eight thousand years later instead of the year 2000. Technology had advanced to a state that everyone had virtual reality interfaces that allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet. “That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m still curious. Why does Everybody seem interested in me?”
“Well,” said the spokesperson. “The year 10000 is around the corner, and your file says you know COBOL”.
28. Software Development Cycles
Software development cycles are the application of standard and principled business practices to building software applications. It includes phases that the software engineers, software developers, programmers, and computer techies go through.
- The programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
- The product is tested. Twenty bugs are found.
- The programmer fixes 10 of the bugs. Explains to the testing department that the other 10 are not really bugs.
- The testing department found out five of the fixes did not work and discovered 15 new bugs.
- Repeat steps 3 and 4 three times.
- Due to marketing pressure and extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule.
- Users find 137 new bugs.
- Having cashed his royalty check, the original programmer is nowhere to be found.
- The newly-assembled programming team gets to work and fixes almost all 137 bugs but introduces 456 new ones.
- The original programmer sends a postcard from Fiji to the underpaid testing department. The entire testing department quits.
- A competitor bought the company in a hostile takeover using profits from their latest release that had 783 bugs.
- The board of directors chooses the new CEO. He gets a programmer to redo the program from scratch.
- Programmer produces a code he believes is bug-free.
29. Computer Industry Acronyms
Here are some acronyms used by software engineers, software developers, programmers, and computer techies. Although these acronyms are codes of language, it’s a hint for you to understand them better.
DOS- Defunct Operating System
DOSW- Defunct Operating System Windows
MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs AAAAA
AAAAA- American Association Against Acronym Abuse
MIPS DOS- Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed DOS
LISP MACINTOSH- Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses MACINTOSH
MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers.
CD-ROM- Consumer Device Rendered Obsolete in Months.
WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity.
PnP APPLE- Plug and Pray Apple
30. Laws of Computer Programming
Software developers are a unique set of people. Software developers, software engineers, programmers, and other computer techies follow some laws when programming. These laws are not only essential but are necessary as they help a software developer to be better at his work.
- Any given program is obsolete when running.
- Any given program takes longer and costs more.
- If a program is useful, it has to be changed.
- If a program is useless, it has to be documented.
- Any program will expand to fill the available memory.
- The value of a program is proportional to the weights of its output.
- A program complexity increases until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who is to maintain it.
- Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
- Detectable errors are limited in variety, in contrast to undetectable errors, which by definition are infinite.
- Adding manpower to a late software project or software design makes it later.
31. What is the Difference Between Drug Dealers and Programmers?
We can tell the difference between these two fields of action through the choice of words and phrases they use. Let’s check out some of the phrases they use.
Drug Dealers/ Programmers
- Refer to clients as ‘users’/ Refer to clients as ‘users’.
- “The first one is free”/ “Download a free trial version.”
- Strange jargon: ‘stick’, ‘dime bag’, ‘rock’, ‘E’/ Strange jargon: ‘Java’, ‘SCSI’, ISDN’, ‘RTFM’.
- Job is assisted by an industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes/ Job is assisted by an industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
- Do your job well and get to sleep with sexy movie stars that depend on you/ Damn! Damn!! Damn!!!
- Often seen in the company hustlers and pimps/ Often seen in venture capitalists and marketing people.
- The product causes unhealthy addictions/ Quake. DOOM. Duke. Nukem 3D. ‘Nuff said.
As a programmer or computer techie with the mouse pad in your hands and the keyboard under your fingers, you need to reach maximum efficiency at your work. And a good way to do that is to take a break from work and refresh yourself with some humorous developer quotes. Keep a smile on your face while writing that code.
